Writers Block

I seem to have this anti-party aura about me.  I had a couple "kid" birthday parties as little kid.  I've planned other parties and never saw them really happen...

Because of unfortunate health events my birthday party got canceled this year.  I'm trying to reschedule a get together for Saturday the 12th of July.  Its not easy to plan a party in the summer.  Everyone is going in a million different directions.  But hey if i don't try i'll always wonder.

My real birthday is hard enough to get people together for, between mothers day, college graduations, first communions and then memorial day weekend a few weeks later its hard to find a weekend day that more than two family members can come to not even counting friends. 

I don't want one to read this and go "oh looking for pity party" cuz thats really not the point of the post.  Its just interesting how the events of parties in my history have happened, or haven't. 

Some day though, maybe when i'm 30 i'll do this... i'm going to have a kick ass birthday party.  HUGE! fun! awesome!

whatever, i'm just feeling insignificant and bummed...

So since my first post today was so negative i decided to write another post.  I was extremely tired today.  The reason i was so tired today was because of the strange series of events that happened last night.  Strange yet awesome. 

Lets go back.  My parents had friends, mine too, that we would see once in octoberish and once in feburaryish FOR years. To make a long story short. They moved to florida cuz of work and then divorced and we hadn't heard from him in a few years and we heard from her as much as we could but it was hard her being in florida still and whatnot.  WELL.  unfortunatly his mother passed away and he grew up about an hour and a half from where we live (so did she...) anyway, so we go up to the funeral home yesterday evening and it was a little awkward.  He informs us after we meet his new wife that she (his first wife) was in town and we missed her from earlier.  So dad tracks down the number to her parents house and gives her a call.  We met up with her at the Dairy Queen.  We talked for hours.  We didn't leave until almost 10pm and i drove home. we got home at midnight.  it was exhausting but so amazing i've missed her so much.  I've always felt this bond with her.  So worth my exhaustion today.

This is a number that will haunt me for a while.  Some day i know it will get better, but for now, its haunting me.  2.92.  I had one major goal in college, to graduate with a 3.0 average.  Everyone including myself thought i could do it.  I watched with satisfaction as my Overall GPA rose a fraction of a point for my last few semesters.  I worked hard, or at least i thought i was.  I don't test well and i have trouble studying, but i worked hard for what i was able to do.  It was quite the blow to log on to myoswego for that last time and retrieve my grades. 2.92.  The doors that suddenly slammed because those looking at my transcript see that mark and assume that i'm not a good student, or at least not good enough to take a chance on.  .08 away from the minimal requirements.  thats 8 one hundreds of a point... less then half a point from my only goal other then the obvious to graduate.  the to top it off my GRE marks sucks.  I suck at standardized tests.  But why do the GRE's make me a better or less then good candidate to be a counselor.  My problem solving skills should not be measured by how many widgets john makes in 3 months as compared to billy in 6 months on a graph represented by millions per hour.  Who cares.


Maybe i was too lazy.  Maybe i had bad teachers.  Maybe high school didn't properly prepare me for college.  who knows.  i doesn't matter.  I have a BA in Psychology, i think by GPA for my BA only was 3.0.  I minored in Women's studies and i think my GPA for my minor was over a 3.0.  My Gen Eds and pre- changing my major screwed with my GPA.  no i'm not bitter at all. 


THe question now is... what do i do from here on out.  i need to set new goals.  People can tell me what i should do all they want but that doesn't change the fact that doors are slamming in my face left and right because i'm inexperienced and can't take standardized tests and my GPA just isn't up to par.  So far all college has taught me about real life is work hard, so you can work even harder to get no where.

Well June has started and tis the first official weekend.  For the first 21 years of my life this weekend was spent at the Sacred Heart Festival eating as much junk as i could consume, and playing for as long into the night as i could stand.  Fun times.  When i was old enough i spun the casino wheel as a worker.  More Fun. 

My Dad is doing really well.  I've got a big project that i'm working on for the Christensen's.  My room is a mess. My official summer job starts with a training in a couple weeks then the kids come after the 4th of july.  I feel oddly unsettled.

Its June.  We all survived May, barely. 

So, yeah in true May fashion disaster struck.  My dad had a mild brain-stem stroke last weekend.  He's home now, and the doctors are encouraged, he recovered quickly and has some residual things, in his speech and gait.... however if you didn't know him well before and catch him after a nap, than you really can't tell.  I can cuz well he is my Pops.  He gave us all quite the scare.  I'm still scared, but it gets less every day. The nights are the hardest, and i imagine they will be for a while.  He assures us he is fine, just fatigued.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things slowly.  It seems so surreal really.  Like life changed so drastically in a matter of moments.  I'm just so thankful that everything is turning out so good. and pray that they continue to go well.  It really is out of my hands... its in God's hands and my own fathers hands as far as taking care of himself from here on out.  I told him that i would basically go on the diet with him.  Its just he American Heart Assoc. Diet.  Really its all about low salts, low sugars, low fats, low cholesterol, and moderation... you can have a piece of pizza but better if you make it at home and just have 2 small pieces, instead of 2 big or many many small.  We'll see how it goes.

I tell ya, i'd like to just get back to my regularly scheduled drama (see every entry previous to this one).  I have warned everyone that i don't think i can go through what i went through this weekend again.  Too much.

Well to top it all off my allergies have gone into full spring swing, yay... not.  so now i'm even more tired.

Well, here's hoping the rest of May will be better.  My b-day party is being celebrated sometime in July... i have some time off then (not that i don't have it now, but my job starts in the summer)

lish

Whats this all about? Why now? Why stay?

Well over a month ago I attended a talk by an Openly Gay Priest,  Fr. D.  Fr. D was awesome.  I've never agreed with everything the Catholic Church says about Homosexuality and as it looks now, never will.  But I continue to be Catholic.  Why? Because it is important that I remain, that and the mystery of the Catholic Faith is what fills my heart with wonder and awe and love.  Someday things might change, and they won't change if every queer person or allie leaves the church, because that means that we in a sense perhaps condone what they are doing.  Basically leaving doesn't change anything.  Fr. D said that the worst thing a gay person can do is leave the church, yet many do.  Now i'm not trying to get everyone to come running back to the church because that in my thoughts wouldn't do much good either.  Most likely these people have been hurt by the ignorance and fear that the church has bred.  The people who have left need to find love and trust again, so maybe tip toe back, decide if Catholosism is right for you, or if its not its not. 

I don't like to be preachy, over the last few years i have adapted the saying that is credited with St. Fransis "Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words."  This is one of those times when words are appropriate. 

I've been told.

I've been told that I have a difficult cross to bare.  Perhaps, but most of the time i don't feel that way.  We all have crosses to bare in life, its part of being human.  The only time I feel like I have an unbareble cross to carry is when i'm told i do.  I've been told to seek counseling, but i don't think i need, at least in the ways that is being insunuated by the "request (as combined with the cross statement).  This really only makes me feel worse about myself.  I've been told to seek and to live the teachings of Courage.  Now i don't mean courage as in strength and power and no fear, rather its an organization that is condoned by the Vatican for "dealing" with homosexuality.  In a sense, as i see it, to fulfill a "forced vocation,"  of Celebit Singlehood.  For more information on the teachings of Courage see www.couragerc.org

This is what i feel

Through the teaching of the Catholic Church, there is this idea of brokenness disguised as a compationate approach.  In the LGBT community there are some things that i personally don't find morally right for me, however, NOT every LGBT person follows the "mainstream" idea that is portrayed in the movies, TV and what is reported in the news.  Normal people, going about their normal day.  Its not about some illicit sexual encounters.  I don't feel that being LGBT exempts a person from living a Chaste life.  A Chaste life is different from a Celebit life, a christian married couple are called to live a Chaste life, and by definition there is no celebicy in a married life (usually, i've heard of some, but according to Catholic doctrine they are not following the vows of a married life.  Thats another discussion.) 

I for one, don't feel called to live my life as a Celibit Single.  will i get married to a man? that is to be seen.  will i commit myself to a woman? again that is to be seen.  The point is, if i commit myself to a woman according to the church i will be bad, living in sin.  In the broad sense of it though i'm not seeking purely sexual relations (now i'm not being unrealistic here, i am a human being).  There is more to a commitmet to someone then the sexual pleasure.  As an adult I seek an intimate relationship with someone, in the whole meaning of the word.  I want to have a person in my life to rejoice with, to cry with, to play with, to eat with, to love with, to hold me up when things are going bad, and i fully expect to be there for this person too.  I'm talking beyond a "best friend."  A spouse, a partner is more than a best friend, or a parent even.  As adults we seek connections with others that go beyond those two relationships.  According to Catholic doctrine, as it has been discribed to me and what i've been able to get my hands on, if I end up with a woman than i am making that choice and must resist.

The argument could be had that we must deny ourselves and take up our cross.  But i'm not so sure that this is what God had in mind.  Every person is called to something by God, whether or not you believe... i believe in God, so hence i believe everyone is called to something (thats a better statement).  More then likely, even if you don't believe, in terms of vocation you're following his plan (i feel anyway that this is the case, others may not) only because things happen in your life to have you end up on what ever the particular path your on.  So why would someone say "this is God's plan for you and you must follow it or else."

Fr. D sared an antidote about adoption in MA.  In MA Gay and Lesbian couples can adopt.  The Catholic Church took out all its Adoption agency's out of the state.  So you can't have an abortion, but these two loveing, caring women can't give your child a home either.  What are your choices? (This is also another discussion.)  The Church is so against the idea of LGBT couples having children, that they take away options.

It may be argued: well the chruch set up AIDS hospices and what have you. Well great! Good for them! Go us! But I noticed on the Courage website that AIDS is talked about as a  side effect of being a Gay Man.  Hm. I don't really have anything more to say on that. Hm sums it up well enough i think.

Courage also tells a LGBT person not to come out. That it forces you into a lable and a community that is unhealthy and detrimental to your spiritual and psychological self.  Right, so keeping who you are locked inside yourself and never being able to express yourself is healthy.  The stress from that can be detrimental to the point of having actual physical problems.  The psychology major in me screams to be heard, that this is a danger to ones psychological self.  As for spiritually, God knows you and he can see inside your heart and your mind, He loves, He made you and why would he want you to deny his creation and lock yourself away from Him and others.

For some people the ideas behind Courage are decent, for those called to live a Celebit Single life.  However not all are called to it.

In closing

So I remain Catholic.  My journey has been and will most likely continue to be difficult, yet whose isn't.  My faith is strong, my respect for my religion is sometimes weakened.  However, I take comfort in the knowledge that God loves me, He created me exactly how he inteded.  Will I have a committed relationship with someone, I don't know, but I like to believe that God will be present in that commitment, because otherwise, whats the point.  This is how I see it.



End Note: This posting may be edited multiple times as the thoughts in my mind become clearer.  Anyone reading this who wishes to discuss the topic(s) more msg me.  Thanks for reading, if you made it all the way through.

Hmmm... its May.  I love May, yet i have this dread that is always present during May.  For the last few years May has been an ending and a beginning.  The ending of college year, starting of a summer.  New beginnings in both personal life and nature.  But, May also is a time when i hold my breath and hope that everything turns out.  Its been 3 years, this memorial day weekend since my Gram passed away and 10 years this memorial day weekend since my Gramps passed away.  Both my dad's parents.

This is going to be a rough memorial day weekend i fear.  one of my dad's siblings is having major troubles with health, it doesn't help my uncertainty of May.

I've noticed that my birthday's in multiple of 7's haven't been great, or rather the weeks immediately following them haven't been great. 10 years ago i was 14 and 3 years ago i was 21... hmmm i tend to be a pattern person, i notice these things.  I'm more of a physical pattern person, but sometimes the number ones just jump out at me.

There is just so much on my mind lately and i think its effecting my sleep.  So yeah... i'm writing in hopes that it helps.

i'm excited its May, my birthday is on monday and there is a start of the new something or other in the next month or so...

lish

This is deep and most likely not coherent...  Read at your own risk.

So Today it truly feels like spring has sprung.  Which has kind of made me homesick for Oswego.  One of my favorite things in Oswego, was that first day you wake up, walk outside and know that finally spring is really here - that its not just a day between storms.  There is that bounce in everyones steps.  Bikes and rollerblades are plentiful.  There is at least one frizbee in the quad.  Smiles all around.  Clumps of people sitting on the low walls around the quad start pilling up.  Talk  of May Day celebrations are posted.  Graduation preparations begin.  the grass is suddenly greener then before.  Going to class doesn't seem horrible til you get in there and its too sunny outside to concentrate.  I miss that. 

Watertown isn't too bad though.  I haven't ever really gotten to enjoy spring here.  when i was in high school your in one building all day so you don't know what beauty lay out side, unless PE was in the fields.  And Spring doesn't last long in the north country.  It goes from winter to summer all too quickly. 

sigh...

I think i'll go to Thompson Park tonight.... so beautiful.

I got word on my interview with sacred heart... its thursday!  i'm excited and nervous all at the same time. 
I have a CPR/first aide class set up for late may, finally. 

My parents are really pissed at oswego and they don't want me to even try to reapply in the future... we'll have to see.  Ultimately the decision is not up to them.

I'm working out my finances, which right now suck.... HOWEVER, i may be sitting decent if not awesome in the far sighted future... and i think if i get this job i want, i can make everything work out fine... especially if it turns into a longer then summer position... we'll have to see. hmmmm i wonder.  thoughts are just too much for me today... I HAVE SPRING FEVER.

lish

I got final word on saturday... I'm not going to grad school.  I can't reapply for 2 years, its to give me time to raise my grades and gain experience (so the letter says the reasoning of the 2 year waiting period).  I don't know what i want to do.  Its not a decision i need to make at this moment, however it still weighs on my mind.  I thought i knew what i wanted to do "when i grew up" but the last month or so i haven't given a shit either way. 

I'm waiting on word about an interview for a summer position, i'm still looking forward to the opportunity to work with the Sacred Heart Day care School age kids again, but with not having plans for the fall i don't know how that is all going to play out.  I suppose we'll first see if i get the interview then go from there.  I can also do that and something else, or use it to hold me off, get me started while i look for opportunities for the fall.  Unfortunately any job that really peaks my interests requires the MS degree which i was turned down for.  There is another college i'm looking at i just need to make some other decisions too.  St. Rose in Albany offers a variation of the program.  We'll have to see.  The plus is they have spring and fall admissions.  Or i could take classes in teh spring as a non-program grad student at oswego.  I'll have to really put thought into if i want to continue down this path of higher ed.  there is so much going on, in my head right now.

In other areas of my life... the Fr. Daley talk... i'm getting to a write up on it i swear i haven't forgotten about it.  The topic, in a way, has been discussed on a message board i'm part of and that has been interesting to read and reflect on.  Also, have been in a bit of a funk after talking to a couple more people on the topic.  So yeah, definite.y haven't forgotten about it.

thats my life in a nut shell right now.  I want to just get a way for a little bit... but i'm not in the mood to go to oswego right now.  So i guess i'll just stay home and figure this out.

lish

and liked...
Read and talks amongst yourselves.

what a great idea! There apparently are Politicians out there doing some good, other then wasting tax payers money an... what was they mentioned on the news today -> oh yeah, the usages of wood.

http://feministing.com/archives/008930.html#comments


Thanks Feministing for pointing that out to us.

I got on one of our local news websites today to catch up on the news.  As i was scanning the top of the page a name over in the obituary column caught my attention. Tompkins.  I use to know a Tompkins so i clicked the name and began to read.  He was one in the same... Mr. Tompkins the man who use to live upstairs of my aunts daycare in the apartment building owned by the missionaries. 

He use to talk about history.  He use to walk to the store to get his groceries. He had a white Jeep, but i don't think i ever saw him drive it.  He wasn't as old as i thought he was, he was only in his mid-late 80s when he passed.  He apparently slipped and fell and hurt his head in his new home which he moved to quite a while ago...

After he moved he use to go to the wendy's across the street and once while having supper there he sat and talked to us for a long time.  He was a good man, military life career... according to his obituary.

but to me he will always be Mr. Tompkins the old man who lived upstairs.

RIP Mr. Tompkins.

I'm writing this from my grandma's computer and i'm listening to my Ipod.  I think to what it use to be like having dinner at my grandparents' house.  It use to involve the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the USA Train.  It also involved basketball after dinner in the driveway.  Actually if i had a ball i would go out and play, it is a nice day and there isn't a car parked under the basket.  

I put in an application to work a summer program with kids... basically what i've done before, but back to the "old way" not the way it was the last year i did it.  We'll see how that goes... I'm still waiting on oswego... i'm beginning to wonder if i screwed up my application some how, like my personal statement or something.  Someone else is head hunting me too... the place we eat all the time, i happen to know one of the managers. 

I finally bought replacement earbuds for my ipod.  Well i bought them from Kinney Drugs, not real replacements... I forgot how great they can be, in just the fact that you can have your Ipod on you and not have bulky head phones to deal with if your not listening to it and it can fit under hats... they suck for your hearing though if you have them too loud and  they tend to fall out easy, but i'll take the quieter music and the slippage for the portable music ease.

I recently bought the songs Better Then Me and Lips of an Angel by Hinder....  They kinda make me lonely, but they are such good songs.  I also bought a song from Cascada... Their version of What Hurts the Most... its my new favorite song to blast on the bass... the best part of my old computer was the boston speakers it came with, they might be small but they are AMAZING!  (also surprisingly durable, the things they have been through.)

I've been a bit stressed lately.  Part of me wants to just get up and leave and just go somewhere else and "find myself."  I'm sure i'm making up this up but i feel like sometimes that everyone is constantly looking over my shoulder at what I'm doing, what i should be doing, what i'm not doing... 
Either way... Maybe I'm crazy maybe i'm not it doesn't matter.  I'm just sick of the area maybe.  Getting a job might help.

I've started playing the guitar again.  Its pretty cool, i've been figuring out the logistics of the Electric guitar and its amp.  I don't really want to take lesson's right now, money and patience being the key, so i'll just tinker with it for a while.   lets just hope i don't mess myself up too bad if end up taking lessons some day.  Lol that would suck. Eh its the least of my worries these days.


well this has been a rather large update.  I'm still working on a good write up about the talk i went to.  I want it to be good really good and i've been doing some reading.


Vale

Lets start with an update on everything:
1. the big question -> have you heard yet from grad school?
    No, i have not heard from grad school.  Some have said it seems early, some say it seems late... i've decided to try and not worry until the end of the month.

2. Job?
    I have no idea what i want to do with my life as it is right now.  I haven't looked at any job posting in about a week, since the job fair.  I will probably go back to wading through the classified, want adds and postings either tomorrow or Tuesday. 

3. Everything else?
    Eh. Nothing really... my writing is on a down swing, but if i get my act together it will probably have an upswing soon.  I did get my old desk top running again... this confuses me but i'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth and have been using it for non internet work.  Trying not to tax it too hard because i don't know when it will decide that this fix is just a fluke.  I'm working on a really stupid project, but its all mine.  I've been going through all the crap i've accumulated over the years and while doing so i've gone through my toys.  My most prized toys were/are my Legos.  Well.  I'm attempting to get all my sets back together.  Or as together as i can get them.  Its going pretty good.  I've reached a point though were i'm missing pieces that have been missing for years and i look into the "car and miscellaneous" parts and think to myself that there must be more somewhere, a cash of lego pieces that fell into the abyss.  I know for certain that among those pieces are 2 white police motorcycles and 1 black motorcycle along with a blue hat. There are also most likely 10 square yellow light pieces, at least.  Along with a few grey circle pieces.  I've also started putting people to their settings.  I'm missing multiple head/faces.  We use to take the heads of "guys" we didn't want as people and used them as a change of clothes for our character.  haha fun times. fun times.  tracking down the directions of all these sets is kinda fun.  Sometimes though when i look at the pictures i can't remember which sets i had and which ones i played with at my cousin's house and which ones i wanted really bad.

I have plenty to say about some other topics, mainly about the talk i went to last sunday, the 10th.  It was great!  Currently I can't articulate what i want to say and how i want to say it.  So i'll think on it and write details later.  I want it to be good and thoughtful so i'll wait and not just post willy nilly.

lish.

I started the week in an insanely good mood.  As the week has progressed though not so much.  It hasn't been a bad week over all.  I think i need a recharge though... i'm looking forward to sunday when for a couple hours i can have fellowship with some friends.  To go "home" in a sense.  Maybe next week i can jump into a new self.  (but i've been saying that for months... i feel like such a loser)

I went to a job fair on tuesday.  It was informative to a point.  I really think though i need to get out of here.  I'm so unmotivated that some days i can't even get out of my own way.  My writing has begun to, well really its stopped all together.  I just seem to go in circles.  I might have found a possible job, but i can't get started on it until i can get away for about 6 weeks m-f 8-5 for training.  They sounded like i might be a good candidate once i get my grad school stuff straightened out... which keeps me in an even tighter holding pattern. 

taking a break from society and not going to grad school right away was a bad idea... told ya so is wringing in my ears from most of my family.

i don't know what i want to do with my life... i have long term goals, but my short term goals just blow up in my face before they even start.  The worst part about that is, i cause them to blow up,no one else. 

i'm done, rant over for now.

lish

It seems that lots of things may come at once.  I am still waiting to hear when my interview for Grad school is, i could hear at any time... hopefully i'll get an interview.  Waiting makes me nervous.  there is a job fair on tuesday so that might be useful.  For my luck everything will end up conflicting with each other and i'll end up with no job and no grad school (we like to call this the hapless henry syndrome where i come from).  But to be positive: i'll find out when the interview is soon, do my best and see what comes of it. I will spruse up my resume and go see what the job fair may hold.  Maybe i'll come out of these next few weeks with good all around.

Either way next sunday the 9th i'm headed down to oswego for some good ol' fashion 6:30 mass, fellowship and a speaker... ahh to be among friends, there is nothing greater...  can't wait!

lish

I was finally able to get something done today... I literally just finished.  I've finished my most recent draft of a short story that i've been working on for some time now.  I think the very beginning of its writing process started during the spring of 2006..  It feels more done now that it ever has.  It is interesting to see how the story has journeyed.  It started out as a little 3 page ditty.  then a bunch of 3-4 page ditties.  then they were stung together.  Then an ending happened.

Is this the last draft?  I'm not sure yet.  I think i need to have someone who's unbiased read it... or at least someone who's never read anything i've written and not a parent.  I don't know yet who i'll ask.  Its been read by various people in many of its other drafts.  It never felt done then, but now it has that feeling of wow, it tells a story.  The characters change.  There's flow.  Most stupid mistakes have been found and fixed.  It might actually be something that other people who don't know me want to read. 

There's also this feeling of: what now?  Do I send it off somewhere?  I don't know... i've worked on it for so long its like whoa, it might actually be finished.

It feels good, but sad all at the same time.  It also means i have a pile of stories in various stages of thoughts, first drafts, and outlines littering my desk in notebooks and tablets.  There is also a slew of them in my computer.   Good grief.  That feels daunting actually.  Maybe I'll be like Harper Lee and never write again... although i could only hope to be 1/1349030394948th famous as she is.  I mean come on "To Kill a Mocking Bird"  unbelievable book... actually it is believable thats part of what holds its charm.  I just have a little old short story that comes out to 28 pages double spaced with 12 pt Times New Roman font, in MS Word.  Yeah...

Wow.

as in a rut...

I feel like i'm stuck in this never ending cycle -"STOP the world i want to get off" -kinda thing.  I started to proof read an old short story of mine... its on its 3rd or 4th draft, i've lost track.  It had rested enough and was brought up, printed and with pen poised I read the first page... then i started the second and was subsequently interupted 2 or 3 times during that first paragraph of the second page.

Not only can i not find a job that i want, i can't even get any projects done around the house.  I finally get settled and bam.  My mom is home all week this week and i miss my mornings to myself.  if i'm gonna be a bum, i want to do it alone.  its when i get my best thinking done, my best brooding done, my best writing is actually done at night... but its usually a product of the morning's think and brooding session.  Being trapped alone in the house is one thing (it still sucks), but being stuck in the house with another person AHHHHH.  My dad went out to get pizza tongiht for dinner and i was almost in the car before he could ask me if i wanted to go with him.

I'm so sick of being asked to go somewhere and getting asked a million questions about why i'm going. 

I'm also very blah blah blah... i don't know anymore... plan z is looking like it might be the plan... i want to throw up thinking about what i'm suppose to be doing or what i'm going to have to do, or looking at job posting.  I feel like there is too much pressure on young people right now to be what others want them to be...

some day i will be a productive member of society, i swear... as soon as i can get out of this damn rut.


to top it all off we are down to 1 car for the family... it really doesn't help the job finding... especially when most jobs need reliable transportation... I DON"T HAVE IT!!!! i need the job to get the reliable transportation.. i'm learning that growing up as a lot of the Chicken or the Egg concepts behind it... what came first the car or the job... what came first the job or the move... what came first the car or the move... AHHHHH  maybe i just need to win the lotto...

I have had a busy week.  Managed to put two friendships in danger.  Result is - i'm totally in a weird place now. 

I kinda want to just take off.  Go somewhere I don't care where really.  Grab some old friends i haven't seen in a while and just chill, maybe go dancing. 

It seriously feels like its been a month since last sunday.

I'm so sick of shifting through job postings.  I've done an insaine amount of that this week.  I swear, i'm so sick of it... see my last couple jobs have kinda fallen into my lap.  Like -) oh you need a job? ya might like this one, here ya go.

I've been told multiple times that i should sub at my old high school... it tempting put not... i can't explain it. 

I'm just in a weird place this week/ weekend.  Hopefully next week things will get better or crash and burn, but lets at least think positive for the near future.

still waiting for grad school word... they just started reviewing, so i guess we will see.

lish